I waited ten years for this.
Ten years of dreaming.
Ten years of allowing the soundtrack of my heart to create the background music that would accompany such a grand vision-come-true.
Ten years of wistfully daydreaming about life in a shining city.
I could already see myself there. Laughing in a coffee shop, shaking my head and telling the wild story of destiny unfolding. I could see my future friends, my future career, (and go ahead, laugh if you want to) my future husband.
Everything about Nashville Tennessee was like a package of sheer perfection just waiting to be unwrapped.
And I, Livy Lynn Jarmusch, had finally made it.
It was my big, dramatic, “fish out of water” moment. This small town, Michigan girl, went from a run-down, sleepy little village, to a big city pulsating with life, energy, bright lights, and more shopping malls than one would ever know what to do with! Everywhere I turned, opportunity knocked!
As a writer, I had moved to the epicenter of some of the biggest publishing houses in the country.
As an artist, I couldn’t have found a more perfect place to network with songwriters in a mecca where everyone knows someone who is on the radio.
As a Podcaster, I was surrounded by an endless amount of fascinating, inspirational people with unique, sharable stories.
As a Christian, I had relocated to the Bible belt. There wasn’t a single night of the week where I couldn’t find a Bible Study, home group, worship night, or prayer meeting happening.
But as a girl in her late twenties, I found myself crumbling beneath an onslaught of disappointment.
Why the sudden disenchantment with the city of my dreams? Isn’t this what I always wanted? The world was at my fingertips. I had so many possibilities, so many different paths to explore and adventures to embark upon!
So why was I beginning to feel like my heart was about to breakup with the city of my dreams?
SHATTERING IDOLS
I once heard someone say, “It’s okay to be disillusioned. Because that means you are now free from the illusion you once believed in.”
I don’t always love to admit it, but I am, at my core, a hopeless romantic. I believe a city has the power to change your life. I believe the right song can permeate the atmosphere and sprinkle the most-drab moment with breathtaking pixie dust. I believe love can find you anywhere. I believe God purposefully sets up divine appointments and has dates set on His calendar, from which we will never be the same. I believe in opportunity, and destiny, in being at the right place, at the right time…
Yet sometimes, this whimsical, rose-colored-glasses, shining outlook on life, can create some incredibly lofty expectations. I’ve definitely grown in this area over the years, but I have to admit that facing disappointment is still one of my greatest fears in life.
The only problem is, it’s really hard for me to go into a new situation (and especially a new chapter of life) without believing for the absolute “ideal”. Though I know it’s quite ludicrous, it’s easy for me to think that everyone I meet is going to be my new best friend. I’ve always believed that doors of opportunity would fling open like palace gates opening for a Princess (and trust me, in so many ways they have – God so often leaves my jaw hanging on the floor!), but I am such a WILD, wide-eyed, over-the-top dreamer, that sometimes I forget to park my magic carpet for a few seconds and check back in with reality.
Because the truth is, Nashville isn’t magic. Music City is raw and broken and dirty and dark and can sometimes reek with the stench of broken dreams. And while it’s easy for me to say that I knew this before arriving, I don’t know really know if I did…at least, not on a heart level.
I came to this town expecting a lot. I expected to connect with a vibrant, life-giving community. I expected to dive right into my Podcast, lining up interviews and making things happen. I expected to connect with songwriters, crank out a hit, and catch the eye of a swanky executive who might beg me to join their record label. I expected to bump into my future husband on a sweet little street in Franklin and excitedly call my friends with the news. I expected to get married, buy an adorable little cottage in the countryside, and live each day pursuing my wildest dreams. And somehow, I expected all of this to happen in, oh, you know about…six months?
Professing these silly fantasies with my pen, causes me to laugh. But maybe you can relate. Maybe you too have entertained some lofty expectations that you’ve attached to a person, location, or even an opportunity.
Maybe you connected with someone that you thought would make an amazing friend, and you never heard from them again.
Maybe you pitched your book to an agent, only to receive a rejection letter.
Maybe you write a song you thought would reach the masses, only to be listened to by your dog, your best friend, and your Mother.
We all face disappointment, the shattering of expectations, and the sting of disillusionment at various points in our lives. And for the most part, processing through these “Roadblocks” in life can actually be a really, really healthy thing.
The shattering of idols may cause us to cry, but ultimately, they lead us back to the One who promises to be our everything.
GREATER GLORY
Surrender seems to be an endless theme in my life. Just when I think I’ve finally reached the point of giving Jesus my everything, He asks for something more.
My Daddy is so good. He has blessed me beyond measure. He gifts me with an endless number of golden treasures, every single day! Sometimes I grow angry with myself for feeling disappointed or let down, for struggling to give something back to Him, that He gave me in the first place. These dreams were never mine to keep, anyway. Every treasure belongs to Him, and sometimes I feel so foolish for struggling in this area…but He understands. He gently asks for what I’m holding onto with such tight knuckles, and with patient, understanding, tender eyes, He gazes toward Me and whispers,
“What I have for you is so much better, My love. Will you simply let go?”
I wrestled with this for several months. Laying all of my sparkly, Nashville dreams on the altar of intimacy with Jesus. It sounds like a pretty little sentence. How hard could it be? Why would I write an entire blog post about this? Because, sometimes trust and surrender can be a process, and I’m hoping that these words will remind you of that. Surrender isn’t a “one and done” moment in life. We must daily, continually, come into His presence and give Him our all…
The truth is, I know why He’s asking for these things. I know why He wants me to bring Him my disappointment. He doesn’t shake His head to shame me and say, “You silly girl. Did you seriously think I was going to do all of this for you? Did you really think I was that good?”
No, no, no, that is not the voice of my Father, but instead the Father of lies. I refuse to allow disappointment to cause me to doubt my Father’s goodness.
Like I said, I know why He’s asking for all this. And I assure you, it’s all for my good, and for His glory.
I can happily report that now, as I look at Nashville, I no longer see the dreams I had as a fourteen-year-old girl. The expectations I had built up for a solid ten years, in my mind, and slowly had to break down like a small child deconstructing a tower of build blocks. I no longer see a city painted with romance and electric opportunity. Instead, I see the Fathers paint strokes, everywhere I turn. I see a thousand unspoken lessons, and a world of unspoken poetry. I hear the symphony of His goodness and feel the reassurance of His guidance and protection.
Every rejection, has been for my protection.
Every disappointment, has been for my growth.
And every time I surrender, has been for my greater glory.
As I share these final words, a poem I wrote last July, it is my prayer that you too will experience the unspoken joy of wholehearted surrender.
It’s not about what He may or may not ask you to give up. It’s about what we GAIN, in Him. Jesus is my exceedingly great reward, and I would give Him anything He asks for, in a heartbeat. Every idol, I cast at His feet. Every pre-conceived idea, I ask for His purification. And every dream, I ask for His Kingdom to come crashing through.
CITY OF DREAMS
My mind built a castle of cards,
Covered it with glitter paint,
Brushed it with a shooting star,
I believed in a city filled with dreams,
A land of my won choosing,
Sparkling and inviting,
Dreamy and exciting
But then one day,
MY perfect world began to fall apart,
The glue it dripped,
The cardboard slipped,
Glowsticks slowly faded to dark…
Fragile streets,
With paper hearts,
Blow too hard,
And they’ll see all my cards,
Poker face began to slowly melt away,
Never thought I’d live to see the day…
That Nashville lost it’s spark
Now I’m not the kind to run,
Real quick and pack my bags,
But my heart it stings a tiny bit,
As I take off my mask,
Rome and idols,
Popstar dreams,
Weren’t built in a day,
It’s been ten years of dreaming here,
How can I watch it fade away?
Hurricane winds are blowing in,
My cards don’t stand a chance,
I lift up surrendered hands,
White flag on my heart
Thanks for reading today's post! This page has been ripped directly from my journal, so I pray it was an encouragement to you! <3 Can you relate with any of this? Are you walking through a season of deeper surrender? Share your thoughts below! I love hearing from you all!
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